Pearls Before Swine

I had to Wikipedia this crap. It's everywhere. It's airborne. It will kill me (if I’m lucky). I'm really trying to get a handle on this thing, you know, to be well informed. So what they're saying is that we can catch a virus from a pig? I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on here? I thought illnesses and diseases in animals can't spread to humans but apparently I'm wrong. (I guess this is where the whole monkeys and AIDS thing comes in... Too much? Yes, I’m an insensitive asshole but I still love Africa.)

Anyway, they're calling Swine Flu an endemic. Well, I'm calling it it's-about-time epidemic. Every now and then we’ll have some kind of virus that just seems to peter out cause someone comes along and cures it. What happened to the good ole days of the Black Death or the Bubonic Plague (yes, they are one in the same but I’m trying to make a point here). There was no cure back then, the medieval world just let nature take its course and let the iron bucket get kicked millions of times over.

Fine, fine, I don’t really want half the world to die… I’m into the cure, I walk for cancer (lie), I march for babies (lie) and I am really glad we cured Magic Johnson of HIV (that was a close call huh, Cookie?) So, I am going to give you all the information you need to assess the symptoms and let's try to blast this mother.

According to Wikipedia, you got swine flu if you have:

-chills
-fever
-sore throat
-muscle pains
-severe headaches
-coughing
-weakness
-general discomfort
-lack of appetite
-nausea
-vomiting
-diarrhea
-runny nose

Very specific. Sounds like your everyday-flu-cold-damning bullshit that we are all catching every freaking month it seems. In any case, if you live in France, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Spain, Canada, Mexico, Arizona, California, Indiana, Kansas, Massachusetts, Michigan, Nevada, New York, Ohio and Texas (or anywhere else on Earth) you're probably going to catch it. And since you're going to ignore it and pretend like it's nothing then you're most likely going to die. We're fucked. I miss the days when it was just the Avian Flu.