The New Bodyguard

I want a ninja. I saw it once in a commercial and I saw a bunch at work the other day. I think it’s reasonable and quite possibly doable. I can go to Japan and recruit or I can probably just order one, much like a mail-order bride. And if I can’t, then maybe I’ll start a mail-order ninja service.

If I were a celebrity I would get on top of this shit before it becomes a trend cause you just know it’s gonna be the biggest thing. I foresee the dissipation of the 8ft tall, 400lb black men and the ushering in of 4ft 10 in, 90lb Asians. It only makes sense. Cause one day there will be no guns (really, it’s true, I read it somewhere) and we will have to go back to the way things were, the use of ancient weaponry: the human body. And I don’t think we want to be defended by some sumo wrestler-looking guy who really can’t throw down, instead, we want that Top Ramen flavor, the kind that dip, jump, dive, and fly.

Yes, please. My very own ninja, always paranoid, always on the look out, acting all stealth at all times of the day, the kind who will always be there for me but can’t really communicate with me thus forgoing any sort of arguments that may occur.

A bodyguard is conceivably the next accessory for the everyday human, not exclusive to celebrities alone. (Remember when cell phones were only for rich? Well, this blue-collar bitch is all up on that, BlackBerry style). So we all have stalkers (or creepy co-workers) or are in danger of being shot at by a rivaling gang… The possibilities are endless and are all within the realms of likelihood and it’s best to be prepared, well prepared.

Not many of us (save for myself) have that keen sixth sense and cannot be expected to constantly be aware of our surroundings. Thus, I introduce the practical, everyday use of the ninja. Much like a cell phone it will soon become part of your person, you will be attached and you could never imagine ever having lived without one. It is necessary and really isn’t too much to ask.

Pearls Before Swine

I had to Wikipedia this crap. It's everywhere. It's airborne. It will kill me (if I’m lucky). I'm really trying to get a handle on this thing, you know, to be well informed. So what they're saying is that we can catch a virus from a pig? I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on here? I thought illnesses and diseases in animals can't spread to humans but apparently I'm wrong. (I guess this is where the whole monkeys and AIDS thing comes in... Too much? Yes, I’m an insensitive asshole but I still love Africa.)

Anyway, they're calling Swine Flu an endemic. Well, I'm calling it it's-about-time epidemic. Every now and then we’ll have some kind of virus that just seems to peter out cause someone comes along and cures it. What happened to the good ole days of the Black Death or the Bubonic Plague (yes, they are one in the same but I’m trying to make a point here). There was no cure back then, the medieval world just let nature take its course and let the iron bucket get kicked millions of times over.

Fine, fine, I don’t really want half the world to die… I’m into the cure, I walk for cancer (lie), I march for babies (lie) and I am really glad we cured Magic Johnson of HIV (that was a close call huh, Cookie?) So, I am going to give you all the information you need to assess the symptoms and let's try to blast this mother.

According to Wikipedia, you got swine flu if you have:

-chills
-fever
-sore throat
-muscle pains
-severe headaches
-coughing
-weakness
-general discomfort
-lack of appetite
-nausea
-vomiting
-diarrhea
-runny nose

Very specific. Sounds like your everyday-flu-cold-damning bullshit that we are all catching every freaking month it seems. In any case, if you live in France, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Spain, Canada, Mexico, Arizona, California, Indiana, Kansas, Massachusetts, Michigan, Nevada, New York, Ohio and Texas (or anywhere else on Earth) you're probably going to catch it. And since you're going to ignore it and pretend like it's nothing then you're most likely going to die. We're fucked. I miss the days when it was just the Avian Flu.

Slumdog's Aftermath… Thanks Danny Boyle.

I walk down the street and I get an extra turn. Are they looking at me because I'm hot or are they looking at me because I'm Indian?

"Hey did you see that Slumdog Millionaire?" a stranger asks.
Yes.
"That Indian movie won all the Oscars!" they tell me.
No it didn't and I don't care... Why does everyone think I would care so much about this movie? Oh. Yes. I'm Indian. (Automatic guilt by association)

I was in India when the film was released. And guess what? No one in India gave a shit. But here in United States of America the movie was so over-hyped. People kept telling me how amazing it was and how it was going to win all the awards this season. Like I care. Yes, I saw it, so what? And yes, the little Indian kids were cute as fuck but it wasn't as life changing as everyone said it would be. Except maybe it was life changing because of how it's... changed my life? I am now super cool because I'm Indian. It's true. Let's face it. If you're Indian then you're automatically associated with Slumdog Millionaire which then equates to major coolness. I'm super popular now thanks to one Indian lover, director Boyle.

"Is it true? Did you see the slums?" one inquires.
"Yes. Yes it's all true. The slums, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, the dancing at the train station. All everyday occurrences in India." I say flatly.

After all the (welcomed) racist hounding how can I use all of this to my advantage? I start making up crap.

"Hey you look like that girl Freida Pinto!"
No I don't. Or wait a minute... Yes, yes I do, she's actually my cousin. Weird, right? Small world.

Boys. Lots of them. I'm just snapping them right up, from the far east (literally) to this wonderful western world (also literally), I am so hot right now. Not only is being Indian in general in vogue but guys seem to have gotten smitten for Latika and anything that remotely resembles the exotic spice is good enough for them. I try to go out as much as possible (think: every night) around dinnertime because that's when food is at its best. I get food for free and what happens afterward? Well... Let's just say the fact that though I'm in my late twenties (Turn On #1), sharing a bedroom with my sister (Turn On #2) and niece (Turn On #3) and under the same small roof as my parents (Turn On #4) ... I'm pretty, freaking cool. Pure bred, hot-blooded Indian, let’s face it, I’m culturally relevant and that makes me awesome. Guys, why don’t you come on by, my doctor-lawyer mother will whip up a chair while you negotiate the dowry with my engineer-yoga instructor father.

I have no choice but to just ride the beautiful curry-colored wave of the Indian trend. I owe it to the motherland.

Bollywood is so in right now. Thanks Danny Boyle!